she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
