My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
