She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
