If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
