I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
