1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
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Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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