Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
