the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
