just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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