I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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