I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
