Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
