I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
