Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
