worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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