My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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