I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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