i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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