My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
