do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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