apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
