I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
