I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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