Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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