I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
