i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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