she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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