I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She even gives head with a lisp.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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