You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
