The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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