we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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