tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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