it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
