the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
