he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
