I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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