Sponge bath it is.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
