i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
