So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
