Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
