i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
