It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
