Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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