The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
