I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
