So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
