Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
