omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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