you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
