There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
