I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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