True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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