this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
