This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
