is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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