some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.