should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
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He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!