You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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