why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
