We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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