Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
