so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm getting married
To pizza
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
